So often in counseling we see individuals be far more willing to take their children to counseling than to go themselves. This is likely due to how deeply we love our children and want the best for them and will do whatever we need to to support them, while we sit on the back burner. But what so many people do no understand is the ways that our own mental health greatly impacts our children.
Getting support for your children is fantastic! But at the end of the day it is an hour out of the week, what matters more is what happens at home because if you compare time amounts, that is much more time. A good child therapist will work with the parents as well as the child because of this. Your child’s therapist is likely helping you learn more ways of supporting your child at home and give you direction on how to set up things at home in a way that supports your child, their emotions and their behavior.
Learning to Manage anxiety
We often see that children who struggle with anxiety also have parents that struggle with anxiety. And the best way to support your child with their anxiety is actually to learn how to manage your own. Because the truth is, the most powerful way we learn is by watching others. How did your children learn to walk and talk? By watching you or their older siblings do these things before them and they copied what they saw.
Have you ever walked into a room and you could feel there was tension in the room? We have words for that like “you could cut the tension with a knife” or we refer to “the elephant in the room”. You may not think your kids see your anxiety or that it does not impact them. But as we just proved, even if things are not expressed outwardly, we can feel it. Even if you are not acting on your anxiety it is still there. So the best way to teach your children to feel less anxious is by you building the tools to also be less anxious. When you learn those tools you will naturally model them for your children.
Another way we teach our children to manage their emotions is by a process called “co-regulating”. Basically it means reflecting emotion back and helping them work through the emotion. If your child comes in freaked out by a snake in the yard and you also freak out than it is not teaching them how to manage their own big feelings. If your child comes in freaked out about a snake and you do not engage and blow them off, that is also not teaching them how to manage the emotion. But when they come in freaked out and you reflect the feeling back to them in your facial expressions and your words, then they feel heard and understood. Then you help them walk through what to do, such as maybe we stay out of the yard for a bit, than it shows them that the big scary emotions can be worked through and don’t have to stay big and scary. You can see how your own ability to stay somewhat calm, cool and collected makes a big difference in this story.
It’s a bit ironic isn’t it? The best way of supporting your children and their mental health is by making your own a priority. What they see you do is likely what they will grow up to do. Do you want them to be willing to reach out for additional support when they need it? Than it might be time that you do that very thing.
Theresa Leskowat MS LCMHC is owner of Clear Vista Counseling and specials in treating anxiety. Theresa worked with children early on in her career and quickly realized the best way to support children was to support their parents. Theresa is passionate about working with adults and helping them to live their best life for themselves and for their children. Theresa also provides therapy for stress management, therapy for perfectionists, and divorce counseling.